There are some films you shouldn’t take so seriously. I shouldn’t have to tell you which films these are, but Sexsquatch… not one of them, believe it or not. When you first hear the title, you may think it’s a low budget porn spoof of some kind and you would be halfway right. It is low budget, but the other half is a comedic blend of horror and toilet humor and let me tell you something: This kind of blend goes down smooth right to the last drop.
Sexsquatch, brought to you by SRS Cinema, starts off with a Sasquatch pun-filled narration from the Warlock (for those of you familiar with Warlock Home Video) who promises us, “We haven’t seen nothing yeti!” which is a perfect description to set the tone. For those of you who have seen writer/director Chris Seaver’s previous work, which includes Terror at Blood Fart Lake, you know what you’re in for. For those of you who haven’t… strap in.
The movie begins with a meteor crashing into Earth, interrupting a couple (one of which is rocking a Fright Rags’ Silent Night, Deadly Night tee!) planning to fornicate. Always seems to be the case, doesn’t it? Just as about he’s going to show her why they call him ‘Johnny Longbone’ (a possible MST3K reference), Sexsquatch appears, mumbling “butthole” and kills them. We are only about two minutes into this movie and I already love it.
Cut to the squinty eyed Skippy, a donut obsessed young man who talks kind of like Robert DeNiro and sort of looks like Butthead, who is bringing his pal, and presumably life partners Leo and Crystal some of said donuts. After interrupting some baby making, the three talk about throwing a party for their pal Joey, who unfortunately has never been laid. You see, Joey is the ‘edu-ma-cated’ one of the bunch and has hopes and dreams of one day becoming the president of showbiz! Because, why can’t B-movies have class? Because of all of this dreaming, he forgot all about girls and getting laid.
Soon all the guests start arriving. Mudhoney, a sassy redhead, Lucas and Lance, who dress like if Miami Vice and Magnum P.I. (and possibly gay… with each other) mated with the typical ‘dude-bro’, Joey and his mother who wears so much make up, you probably needs a belt sander to remove it and finally Jennifer, the girl Joey has a secret crush on. This is when one of the more strange (and believe me, that’s saying a lot) characters is introduced. A dirty, possibly retarded woman named Marmalade wonders onto the property. Wanting to join party, she freshens up by smearing some blue goop out of a frog’s bunghole and onto her lips. Naturally, a person like this would upset any sane rational people, even if it is a movie by Chris Seaver and Ron Bonk, as they threaten and remove her from the party. So in a very ominous, Crazy Ralph kind of way she puts a curse on them and flees. Oh well, back to the drinking and sex!
And this is when we get our full glimpse of the Sexsquatch, named Stinkfist, who happens to be pooping next to Marmalade. If you’re expecting to see a man dressed in what looks like a Halloween costume with rubber gloves and shoes, well then you’re in luck! I don’t consider this a bad thing. It certainly adds to the humor and you get a sense everyone is having fun, especially with this character. This ridiculousness is further emphasized when the creature speaks with Shakespearian style English accent. Marmalade befriends the beast and she promises him a buffet of victims to rape and kill (it’s in his blood after all).
Our loveable group of misfits continue on with their party. The girls discuss which one of them is going to deflower young Joey, with the obvious choice being Jennifer since they seem to like each other. Ah, romance is such a beautiful thing, especially when a Sexsquatch and a bizarre homeless woman are trying to molest you. Later that evening, Leo, being the sage that he is, tells the horror story of the Terror at Blood Fart Lake, an obvious nod to Chris Seaver’s previous work. Lucas leaves to go grab some more ‘brewskies’. But what would a solo trip for beer in the woods be if you didn’t stop to take a pee? After unknowingly giving Marmalade a golden shower, Stinkfist disembowels Lucas and sodomizes him. Why do I get the feeling I’m going to be talking about that a lot?
While sharing a tender moment the next day, Jennifer and Joey literally stumble upon his body and tell the group. This is when we are treated to what is probably the greatest musical number in history about the KKK adopting a highway and cleaning up litter. Lance, rocking a sweet pair of Bret Hart shades, vows vengeance and rather than contact the authorities, the group agrees Lucas would want them all to continue with the party. And that’s what they do. There is cake, which Joey’s mom blows the candles out by farting on them, an emotional speech and then finally Joey’s big moment: Knocking boots with the lucky girl Jennifer. But outside, Stinkfist is turning another victim into a finger puppet (again, literally).
This is the traditional part in a horror film when the group goes their own ways to do whatever it is they do and die in horrific ways. Believe me, in Sexsquatch, the deaths are horrific… and hilarious! The best of being while two are being sodomized at once (see, told you that would come back) while Stinkfist is singing Down in New Orleans by Dr. John. This is a scene you have to see to believe.
But now it’s time for the final showdown. The remaining survivors are confronted by Stinkfist and his evil cohort Marmalade and have kidnapped Jennifer when she ran off after Joey’s awkward finish when he called out ‘Mother’ (in his defense, he said it like ‘Muv-uhh’ like Danzig). Finally giving some exposition, Stinkfist tells them he is from the planet Buttsexon Prime and has a bet with his overlord to see who can rape and kill the most. Stinkfist is nearly at that goal, but not if Skippy can help it! He jumps into action! No retreat, no surrender! The final battle ensues, but will it be enough to stop the evil Stinkfist and his creepy sidekick (so creepy she even creeps him out! Do you know how hard it is to creep out a Sexsquatch?)
Sexsquatch is the perfect get together movie, throw back some brewskies of your own and have a good laugh. As I said earlier, this isn’t a film to be taken seriously and the film makers and actors make this obvious. They are having a good time and they want you to be a part of that. This is inviting from the first line of dialogue, which sounds like if Quentin Tarantino was writing fart and wiener jokes for porno. It’s dirty, disgusting and hysterically poetic. I’ve never heard vulgar dialogue sound so beautiful and make so much sense. I need to incorporate that way of speech into my everyday life.
I honestly have nothing but praise for this movie. I had an absolute blast watching it and what makes it better is I know I’ll have an even better time when I share it with my friends, who I know will like it as much as I did. If I had to make one complaint about the film, it’s that the run time is just shy of under an hour. Luckily there are some hilarious bloopers on the DVD extras to give you a little some more as well as some other trailers, like Ron Bonk’s Clay and Ms. Cannibal Holocaust.
You can grab your copy of Sexsquatch from SRS Cinema’s website on March 23rd!
Yo Adrien, run down to The Lost Highway for this and more reviews!