It’s not a secret that anytime some poor bastard is castrated on film, every guy witnessing the event groans a bit in pain or will shuffle their junk around uncomfortably. The more torture that is done to these unprotected bean bags, the harder it is to watch. It doesn’t matter if they are flicked or kicked, it still hurts to watch, but what really grinds our gears (quite literally) is when they are shot, stabbed, sliced, eaten and even ripped off. Why must filmmakers be so cruel to our precious jewels? All to entertain you sick son’s of bitches. Well, to get your rocks off, I’ve compiled a list of some of the most painful castrations in cinema… you sick, sick puppies.
House on the Edge of the Park – Ball’s Eye!
John Hess pretty much plays the same character he played in Last House on the Left, which makes sense considering it’s pretty much a knock off. Don’t get me wrong though, House on the Edge of the Park is a great movie on it’s own merit and John Hess as the villain Alex is equally as relentless and sadistic as he was as Krug. Which makes his demise a deserving payoff, but pretty painful to watch, especially in super slow-motion. Actually, come to think of it, it’s kind of funny. I mean, look at that face…
Hostel 2 – Just a little off the top…
If there is a lesson to be learned here, it’s to never insult a woman… especially when she is desperate to escape with her own life and has a pair of scissors around your dingy. I think what makes this intense is those are ordinary, found at Jo-Anne Fabrics scissors. I am never going in that place again.
Don’t Open ‘Til Christmas – Santa’s Sack.
This is one of the few on the list where you actually feel bad for the guy. It’s jolly ol’ Saint Nick, what could he have possibly done? One minute he’s passing out toys to underprivileged kids and the next his candy cane is being razored clean off (hey, even Santa has to drain the lizard). Guess he should have checked that naughty list twice. Or maybe he should have thought twice about giving whoever that lump of coal.
Night of the Demon – Pole position pissing.
What were you thinking? Taking a piss in Bigfoot territory. That’s like sticking a penny in a light socket; nothing good will come out of it. Although in the biker’s defense, it did look like a nice place to pee… and I’m sure getting his willy tugged off by the massive, hairy palm of a mythological creature wasn’t at the top of his list of possibilities for that situation.
Cannibal Ferox – Cannibal Castration
That Mike Logan is one vile scumbag. Cokehead and dealer back in the states and flees some dealers to the deep jungles in search of emeralds and along the way, he rapes, tortures and kills a few. But don’t you worry, he gets his come-upings, even if it is hard to watch. If there was anyone deserving of the penal-ty, it’s Mike. Technically, Cannibal Ferox features two castrations, so you have a double dose of dong removal.
Last House on the Left – You’re using too much teeth!
If you just raped and murdered the daughter some people who’s home you’re staying in, let me give you a little advice: If the wife suddenly is coming on to you, it’s not your charm! And if she uses the old and tiring ‘My husband doesn’t make good love to me’ bit and offers you some ‘oral relaxation’ (also coaxing you into tying your hands behind your back), you probably should just say, “No Thanks!” She will probably still kill you, but at least she won’t be going Pacman on your shlong.
I Spit on Your Grave – Rubber Dicky
This is pretty similar to the scenario that I described above in Last House on the Left, only this one, you REALLY have to be going full retard to fall for this one. After they raped and supposedly killed Jennifer, they find she is very much alive. She confronts Johnny and the guy thinks he’s that suave, he climbs into a bathtub with her and believing he is actually seducing her AND she finds it charming. What follows is disturbing, but justifying (and hard to watch). I think what really sells it is his reaction. It takes him a moment before he notices what Jennifer has done (a thick squirt of blood will usually tip that off), then he wails in shock and eventually bleeds to death. Good riddance!
I realize there are some I left out, like Teeth and Cannibal Holocaust. Hell, I even thought about putting Planet Terror on here, but I think we’re starting to beat a dead horse here. Well, I’m not sure why, but I feel like I need to put an ice pack on my groin to get rid of that phantom pain.